Infidelity – 4 Steps to Affair Proof Your Marriage
By Nicola Beer
International Relationship Coach
When it comes to infidelity and after the affair recovery in couple therapy, here are the top 3 common questions I often get asked:
1. Is it possible to avoid affairs and affair-proof your marriage?
2. Are there ways to ruin my cheating husband's / wife's affair and show them what they have with me?
3.I think about cheating often and get really tempted, can the marriage still work?
Yes, is the answer to these questions!
I have answered them below in my 4 Steps to Help Avoid Affairs in Your Marriage.
I normally cover this in a lot more detail in my private online group programs, infidelity audio set and 1 to 1 sessions, if you need further support scroll to the P.S section for details.
Infidelity - 4 Steps to Avoid Affairs In Marriage
Note: The below does not apply to those who have a sex addiction, for sex addiction a different strategy is required - please contact me in confidence on this matter if you are concerned you or your spouse has a sex or porn addiction.
1. Recognize that we all have the capacity to cheat.
Recognizing that we are all vulnerable to affairs can help the marriage. Apart from cheating that happens as a one-night stand, most cheating is about unmet needs.
What typically happens is someone gets hurt or frustrated that their needs for attention, affection, sex, engaging conversation, respect, care isn't being met and they become resentful. Over time, distance is created and then all it takes is for someone to come along and offer what the person has been longing for and they are tempted.
When we feel neglected it becomes easier to justify cheating. Some husbands and wives will say to me "Nicola I would never ever cheat," and that may be so, but my experience has taught me that in certain circumstances and conditions, many of us are susceptible.
It may sound strange, but awareness of how vulnerable we all can be, is the first key to protecting your marriage. Read the next steps for how to stop affairs.
2. Give your partner the 4 A's - Attention, Affection, Appreciation, and Admiration
They will reciprocate - the impact of this is massive. One person has the power alone to transform a marriage. Nearly 40% of the marriages that I save start with one person attending the marriage counseling. Focus on turning the aforementioned 4 A's into the following actions that you can take daily, and reap the rewards:
#1 Make it a habit to greet your partner when they come home.
#2 Kiss and cuddle with them every morning and night before you part ways or sleep.
#3 Ask them how they are and really listen, give them your undivided attention; no phones, TV, or other distractions.
#4 Express and show appreciation for their unique qualities, not just a "thank you" or "you're great," but rather be specific, and offer something that tells them what is special about them - then the compliment really means something!
#5 Admire them. We love and need to be admired by our partner - it makes us want to be around them more. If we feel criticized, not good enough, not respected, then we will want to avoid our partner.
Make an effort to do this especially if you are spending time apart. If one of you travels a lot for business, make sure the first 4 hours you or they return home you give each other undivided attention, affection, appreciation - this will set a positive loving tone for the rest of your weekend or week.
It's loving actions, not talking about problems that can save a marriage and help prevent a cheating husband or wife. That's why my marriage counseling is never about hashing out old problems.
3. Take control, set boundaries, and protect your marriage
The best thing you can do for your marriage if you feel yourself getting close to someone inside or outside of work, is to pull away and avoid being alone with that person. Ideally only see them in group settings and decline any one-on-one invitations in order to protect your marriage. You have to shield yourself from temptation.
Another thing that works well is to bring your spouse along to meet them or invite them over for dinner with your spouse, it will change how you interact and that is a good thing if flirting has been going on.
Some married men and women end up deciding to avoid the person, whom they feel tempted around, altogether and while that may seem a bit extreme... is your marriage and family worth protecting? Most people say yes, especially those who have cheated. Here you need to get honest with yourself, if you do this your spouse won't need to control you.
It is also worth noting that controlling each other doesn't work, before or after an affair. Monitoring each other's phone, social media and whereabouts will drive them or you further away.
4. Use any fantasies to improve your marriage.
If you find yourself fantasying about what it might be like to be with someone else then look for what the fantasy could be telling you about your own relationship.
Could it be a signal that you need more attention, affection or a more fulfilling sex life?
Is it highlighting that something is missing?
Can it give you clues of what you and your partner could to work on to be happier?
Analyze your thoughts and see what you can learn from them, they can often teach us how we wish we were with our partner. Then you can use the information to increase the love, passion and happiness in your own marriage. To reconnect, you need to focus on their needs, and they will reciprocate.
I recommend you first ask them, how they view the relationship, what you could do to make them happier. This open approach, if done well, can spark transformation and a new era for your marriage. I offer many tips on how to motivate your spouse to change in the “Save My Marriage Program,” and I offer a bonus 2 part infidelity audio recording for you to keep. To find out more book your FREE Save My Marriage Consultation - simply visit http://www.savemymarriageprogram.com/consult
From my heart to yours,
Nicola is a Marriage Transformation Specialist and Founder of Save My Marriage Program. She specializes in a proven 10 step program to help couples increase the love, passion and happiness in their marriage in 30 days or less…Guaranteed!
P.S Unsure if Your Marriage Can Be Saved? Get the FREE Quiz - Can My Marriage Be Saved? To find out, it addresses 30 marriage problems and looks at whether it's possible to save your marriage and what actions to take if you can. Take the QUIZ now http://www.savemymarriageprogram.com/quiz
PP.S OR If your marriage is in serious trouble and you need help now - Book Your FREE Save My Marriage Consultation TODAY http://www.savemymarriageprogram.com/consult
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